So I made it through my second week of working indepently at work. All last week I was responsible for interment orders, meaning any families who came in to make arrangements for a loved one they just lost, I met with to review their cemetery property. Internment orders mean checking on the property owned, double and triple checking the particular area and what rules and regulations apply to that section. I will admit, it was stressful working independently. No one situation is the same and there seems to be some type of twist on every situation, whether it is working with a multitude of family dynamics or a complicated garden in the cemetery. So I am proud to say that I successfully navigated my way through the entire week, all locations secured and accounted for.
So this week, I get to enjoy flexibility in my schedule as I am responsible for outside sales. I am able to design my days and do not have to be 'in house' 8 - 5. I am hoping to write my first sale on Tuesday and possibly a few more before the week concludes. I am DETERMINED to get on the scoreboard this week, as all three of my fellow sales associates have numbers up for 2010. My competitive nature engages and I love a challenge. I have been consistently making phone calls and working at generating new leads. Working the sales process consistently will eventually ALWAYS produce results. I have to remember that I am starting from zero, while the rest have 10+ years of a lead data base established.
I still can't seem to grasp how I ended up in this situation. One of my new goals was to get reconnected in a women's bible study. Monday night I joined a new group and we are studying a book called, 'The New Eve'. Monday night was the opportunity to meet all of the other members. I admit, getting reconnected with a group of women only reignited my passion for assisting and working with women.
I couldn't stop the tears that flowed during that night, as I looked around the room. I realized the passion and purpose I had so clearly identified, put into place, and planned to pursue had only been suppressed by a change in situation and the daily needs of life.
Racing thoughts of 'Did I act too fast to 'fix things?' 'Did I really stop and pray about what direction I should take?' 'Did I jump into working off of my own will rather than live a life on faith?' As all those thoughts came flooding back to me, I couldn't help but feel sad and regretful.
So it came time to introduce myself. Instead of the typical name, work, and kids. The question was
'Tell us where you are at in your life at this moment.' I was all poised and ready to share my well thought our answer. But before any of that came out, a flood of tears erupted and I shared that I was frustrated. That I have been very angry at God. I had stopped attending church. I couldn't believe that a passion and purpose that I had so patiently and prayerfully considered, a desire that I had felt so God led, so marked and stamped with a knowing beyond all doubt that it was exactly what I was suppose to be doing was gone in a blink. A passion that was replaced with the an immediate need to find health insurance, buy groceries, and create over night income. I shared that I felt like I was making decisions based on a husband that had no motivation or desire to do anything other than spend his days playing video games and watching TV. I was mad and disappointed. The woman next to me, rubbed my back and another said quietly,
'I have been angry at God too.'Then as if God was speaking to me through those caring new friends, new thoughts begin to form and a thin ray of hope glimmered in the distance.
Before God can do great things with us, He must first strip us of everything, bare our soul, and make us realize that we really can't do anything without Him. Moses spent 40 years in the desert. Joshua was sold slavery, where he served for years before becoming a great king.
Could it be that may be for once instead of leading those women I so desire to have an impact on, it is time for me to be led? May be it is time for me to receive, refuel, and learn. May be instead of listening to the vulnerability, it is my time to be vulnerable?
So the last question of the night was
'Where are you going?' With trepidation and an ounce of confidence I shared, 'Recommitting to a relationship with my Savior. To take the past as the past and reflect on lessons gained. To look to the future again with hope and faith, knowing that I am where I am for a reason and a season. To look at my situation and see all of the people I would have never met and influenced had it not been for this opportunity. If I truly have to admit, I can already see potential to share and serve as an example. May be I was living in a bubble, not really being exposed to all that was out there? May be God thought, she has spent years growing in our relationship, learning and studying scripture, now it is time for her to use her gifts in an environment that needs transformation and love.
We closed that night with Psalm 139. A scripture that sang in my ears and filled my heart with hope.
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
until next time....
nd they are sleeping here tonight. No school tomorrow!
Milo is 
